I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
