I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
