Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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