I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
