i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Shitshow foam night was such a success
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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