I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Pants are for mortals
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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