The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
