No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
