They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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