P.S. I can't hear my feet
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
