she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
nutella sex= disaster
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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