I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
