My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize