Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
