I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
two words: eviction party
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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