do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
