just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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