so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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