Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
