Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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