Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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