you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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