Acid is not a monday night drug
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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