Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
