omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
