i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
