one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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