Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
