I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
