There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
