chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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