i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
