Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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