took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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