Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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