There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
