Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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