you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
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