Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize