So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
