the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize