You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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