I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
