I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
