I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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