So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
