maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
