I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
