Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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