loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize