hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
