I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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