Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
