So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Randomize
