All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
