like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
two words...techno handjob
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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