There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
