she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize