false alarm. still invincible.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
