I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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