you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
