The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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