I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
