TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
